It has been a weird winter, but I suppose things are always weird, in one way or another. Over the past several months I've experienced twists in my relationships with people who have been in my life for years- the kinds of occurrences that challenge my perceptions of myself and others and change the landscape of our lives. I'm not much of a fan of drama, so frankly, I avoid it. I know this about myself and have been accused of being afraid of confrontation. I choose to believe I'm preserving my mental health, but I realize others don't always see it that way.
Part of being a teacher in a high school is living with the knowledge that dramas are unfolding every moment, many times right before my clueless face. This is usually fine with me. I care deeply about my students, but getting sucked in is detrimental to learning, in many ways; the sheer numbers of people I come into contact with could have me spending the better part of my school life in the vortex, if I become overly enmeshed. After all, somebody has to stand in the front and get on with the business of pronoun agreement. Could be this has a numbing effect and has transferred to other parts of my existence.
The kids have coined a term they use to describe people and situations that are heavy on the drama: Emo. What used to be called drama, and people formerly called drama queens are now simply labeled "emo."
Lately, life has been way emo. Complications, misunderstandings, slights, difficulties and issues (my own included, I'm not claiming immunity here) have come knocking at my door with brute force. My "let it be" mantra seems to be failing me, and I'm struggling to keep my head clear and my heart in the right place.
In the midst of this, I'm looking for a way to experience spring with all its real and metaphorical pleasures. Bring on the green mist that envelopes leafing trees, the robins, crocus, sunshine, smell of clean dirt, clothes flapping on the clothesline, the freshness and purity of spring rain, and the rush of the trout stream. The new starts, rebirth, growth and bright visions of the future. Gimme some spring!
2 comments:
Dear PrairieHomie:
Interesting post, it makes me think that I have a problem distinguishing between real dramas and EMO-s at times. (What does "emo" stand for in the kids' language? I mean, is it an acronym, or is it "just so" term?)
As to your current state, and the impossibility of using the mantra - well, some life's upheavals are like elemental disasters, one can't stop them or will them away. Change will happen whether we want it or not, of coruse, and if you consider how many changes you've been through lately, maybe you would go easy on yourself, PrairieHomie, for a while.
What helps me in these situations is a conscious reminder that I need to let others in, to give them an opportunity to show they care about what's happening to me. Otherwise they assume that I am "strong," and "independent," and all those other words that mean nothing in the face of grief you are experiencing now.
Even if one little thing in life changes, it leads to a chain of other events. If you consider rearranging furniture (I have done it recently), change placement of one object, take out another, and you are facing the need to make changes in the entire house. And the hardest part is not to want to do it all at once. I am guilty of that, and it can get very frustrating.
Spring is here, even the weather is changing, and oh boy, it's such a welcome change after this long, dark winter!
gypsy, the kids tell me emo is an abbrevitaion of "emotional." they are aware that some people are more emotional than others and label them as such, and they don't seem to use it as a positive or negative label.
taking it easy is a good idea. i have friends in recovery who tell me "easy does it" is an expression they use when life gets emo. that could be a better mantra than "let it be," right now.
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